Being a writer is my oldest dream, and I figure the easiest way to make that happen is to write a romance novel and name it after a Thomas Kincaid painting (“Morning Dogwood,” “Savannah Romance,” “Stairway to Paradise,” etc.). I posted last summer about how romance novels are similar to and different from traditional comedies, but this post is more of a step-by-step guide to my future fame. My romance novel won’t be some crummy thing that sells at the dollar store. Oh no. Brittany and I have dissected this genre, and we have a formula for success: Yearning + unfulfilled expectations + “fixing him” = bestseller.
(If irreverent jokes about sex are going to offend you, then you should probably skip this post.)
THE SETTING
History is the best setting for a romance novel. Everything is so drenched in mystery and myth that the rest of this list seems believable in context. Plus the heroine never has to shave her legs or put on makeup, leaving more time for contrived plot elements.
For THE HEROINE, there are 3 essentials.
1. The heroine either considers herself unattractive, a la Bridget Jones, or just has never been appreciated by a man before, like Bella in Twilight. In a really solid romance novel, she is always a virgin.
2. She needs a hero for something, usually protection from death. Because that happens a lot. No, really, because any woman who’s ever had a problem she didn’t feel like fixing knows she can turn those sad, bewildered eyes toward a man and say pitifully, “I just don’t know what to do!” He can’t help himself, not that you will catch me saying so in print.
3. Beyond these two, it’s important that the woman’s character remains relatively undeveloped, so the reader can project herself into the story.
Construction of THE HERO is a little more involved.
1. Non-negotiables: he is sexy, he is rich, and he is emotionally damaged. If he happens to have characteristics of the Dark Triad, then the game is over before it begins. Best-case scenario, he has experience in the boudoir, but he’s never truly connected with a woman emotionally. Well, that is about to change.
2. Physically, the hero never exhibits anything short of god-like perfection. He is never short, the slightest bit flabby or balding, and he always smells good. Every hero looks like Fabio, preferably with some sexy scars. (It goes without saying that no part of either character’s anatomy is ever left to the imagination.)
3. The hero considers the heroine uniquely beautiful, because what woman doesn’t want that?
4. He is possessive to the point of abrasiveness. If he gets jealous when he sees her chatting with another man, if he wants her so much he rips her clothes, etc., it’s hot instead of a reason to notify the police. Of course he’s rich enough to buy her a whole new wardrobe anyway. And personal freedom? Who needs it?
On to THE RISING ACTION (too easy).
1. The hero and heroine are stuck together for some asinine reason (see #2 under THE HEROINE), but they can’t sleep together.
2. Therefore, there is so much yearning. So. Much. Yearning.
3. It takes about a week (if they are showing inhuman restraint) for the hero and heroine to decide that they are made for each other and will happily spend the rest of their lives together. Sometimes it only takes an hour or two. As the Jackson 5 sang, “one glance was all it took.” And boy, was that glance lecherous.
4. No means maybe and maybe means yes.
Finally, THE GYS.
1. The sex is never awkward. Kind of like sex on Glee.
2. Multiple orgasms are a given.
3. The writer always includes poetic euphemisms for certain parts of the characters’ anatomy. Our personal favorites include “the hardened jewel of her womanly center” and “purple-helmeted warrior of love” (I warned you). And no, we are not making this up.
4. Anything can lead to sex. Anything. Why bother with lingerie when fuzzy socks and flannel pjs inspire the same amount of lust?
5. As soon as sex is in the picture, meaningful conversation is out of it. The heroine is angry at the hero? Sex can solve that. The heroine is worried because some psycho killer is out to get her? Shhhh. Sex can solve that too. Basically, once they get past that crucial yearning stage and hop into bed together, it will take an act of God to get them out again. (Assuming they make it to the bed, that is.)
6. Oh and they fall in love, each thoroughly erasing the other’s disillusionment with romance. That’s important.
The DENOUEMENT
Happily ever after. Obviously.
I honestly don’t know why I can’t help picking this particular literary scab. In any case, publishing the ultimate romance novel is on my bucket list now. My English professors would be so proud.
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