“O hymen! O hymenee! why do you tantalize me thus?
O why sting me for a swift moment only?
Why can you not continue? O why do you now cease?
Is it because if you continued beyond the swift moment you would soon certainly kill me?”
Partly because I am suffering English major withdrawal and partly because it fits really well, I have chosen this poem from Walt Whitman as an epigraph to introduce today’s topic, which is why it’s awesome to be single. Obviously there are pros to dating, but those are covered at length, umm, everywhere else, ever. So Schell and I decided to make a list of the positives to being single. It’s not the end of the world, people. For example--
1. There’s less drama. You’re not constantly balancing friends and significant other and worrying about upsetting someone, which you inevitably will when you’re in a relationship.
2. Being single also means you don’t run any risk of alienating your friends with your disgusting obsession with what’s-his-name, which kind of makes people hate you.
3. On the flip side, when you’re single, you can judge other people who are in relationships. There’s little more fun than that.
4. Your chances of getting into a big fight with someone decrease exponentially when you’re single. (Of course, they go right back up when you join a sorority.) I’m not gonna lie; I don’t mind third-wheeling. I choose to focus on what I’m happy to be missing rather than what makes me jealous. I’m envious because they’re going home to a marathon macking session, whereas I am not. (Well, maybe. See #13.) However, after said macking session, they’re going to get into a fight about what his mom said to her last month when she was wearing those high heels and blah blah blah on into relationship eternity. Whereas I am whiling away the happy hours, angry at no one and content with the world.
5. Do you know how stressful it can be to plan Valentine’s Day festivities? Pass.
6. Being single equals more time with God. Paul stayed single his whole life because he could dedicate his everything to the Lord that way. Obviously, you don’t have to do that, but you can enjoy it and value it while it’s happening. If you’re not a person of faith, you can still devote your time to something that’s important to you, whether it’s learning, social activism, or writing the great American novel. You can use your time as you see fit.
7. You also get more time on your own. You don’t have to worry about looking cute at the end of a long day; you can walk into your room, take your pants off (yes, girls do that too) and watch whatever you want. Perhaps you would enjoy an SVU marathon spent ogling Detective Stabler. Or perhaps you would like to watch the Madonna episode of Glee for the 47th time. I don’t think I hear any objections! And best of all, I don’t hear anyone judging you.
8. You get to look forward to the excitement of meeting that special someone. Beginnings are always the best parts, before the relationship becomes a lot of work. Other people won’t have that and you still get to!
9. Being single means not giving someone the opportunity to lacerate your heart and pour lemon juice on it, and then piss all over your self-worth. Seriously, it saves a lot of time.
10. You can use this opportunity to learn new skills. Sure, you can get your girlfriend to cook for you or your boyfriend to change your oil. Or you could learn to do these things on your own and learn how to be a functioning adult.
11. This one is important. You get to be independent. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you have to (if you’re a somewhat decent person) think about the other person’s feelings and wants, unless you’re either a. looking for a reason to break up with him or b. do not want to spend your future with him. In both cases, why the hell are you still in the relationship? (Wait, I know this one. Insecurity). Want to go out with your friends tonight? Go for it. You don’t have to check with anyone first. Want to apply to grad school in Russia? What’s stopping you? Well, probably money (and the fact that it’s Russia), but at least you don’t have to worry about supporting yourself AND someone else, or about asking him to uproot his life. Even if you’re dating someone who loves you so much that he will follow you to the ends of the Earth and doesn’t care at all what you do, you will (again, if you have any decency) think about how your decisions affect him. And that’s a lot to have on your mind.
12. Ladies, we want to be really clear with this one. You can skip shaving your legs and no one has to know. And guys can observe Octobeard all year ‘round: you’ll look like a hobo but it’s ok!
13. You can flirt with impunity. And/or GYS.
14. When you’re single, you have much clearer, more objective vision than someone in a relationship who just knows homeboy is the one, even though he flunked out of college three times and dresses like a 12-year-old skater punk from the mid-’90s. Science shows that people who are in love are hooked on their own brain chemistry, the way some people are addicted to drugs. Seriously, look it up. Now, I’m not trying to denigrate love. I think love is wonderful and precious. Nor am I suggesting that single people don’t do stupid things. I’m just saying that people whose brains are marinating in crazy act like they have carte blanche to do infinitely more dumb things.
15. Finally, let’s think about what kind of person you are when you’re obsessed with getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. You’re lonely, you’re desperate, your self-esteem is in the toilet, and people can see that. Everyone except idealistic girls who believe in “fixing” others know damn well to avoid you like the plague. You’re in a self-defeating cycle: you can’t attract someone decent with the vibe you have going on, and being alone feeds your crappy self-image. Get out of your own way, and use being single as a chance to celebrate how great you are. Seriously, the worst thing two people can do is search for their worth and fulfillment in each other. You have to find contentment in your own identity first, or your relationship is dead in the water. So get on it.
On a somewhat unrelated note, now I’m contemplating the implications of Walt Whitman’s openness about his sexual preferences ("yes" and "everyone") and his self-proclaimed role as the Voice of America. He’s basically what would happen if David Bowie and Maya Angelou had a baby. Discuss.
If you have any questions, I’ll be in my room, taking up the whole bed, pantsless, watching Glee and thinking about how awesome I am.
UPDATE: Anne Marie points out that when you're single, there's no need to worry about where you bought your unmentionables, let alone whether they match. Make that sixteen reasons.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
What I Learned from Watching Glee’s “The First Time”
Acceptable reasons for giving it up include:
1. Because the student director of the school musical says so (read: peer pressure).
2. Because you get one out of five yeas from the other girls (read: peer pressure, if you squint your eyes).
3. Because your boyfriend is sad that he’s not getting a football scholarship.
4. Because you feel the need to protect your relationship from the lecherous New Guy.
5. Because masturbating just doesn’t cut it anymore. Yeah, they went there.
—So in conclusion, mainly because peer pressure says your virginity is disgraceful contraband that has got to go.
Characteristics of that first time:
1. Nothing says foreplay like a promised Sara Lee poundcake. Thanks, Finn!
2. It’s smooth, never awkward.
3. Pain? What pain?
4. It’s totally personal and meaningful, in spite of your partner calling you the wrong name. Brittany was so lucky to share an experience with what’s-his-face.
5. It’s reflective of a relationship that will definitely last, even when your group of friends is more incestuous than the members of the Hapsburg dynasty.
Tips for the writers of Glee:
1. Do not make Artie, of all people, the authority on matters in the boudoir. Especially do not have him discuss such matters with school faculty members; it’s too disturbing. Maybe as the season goes on, you can pencil in some therapy sessions for Coach Bieste.
2. On a related note, try to have some consistency. At the beginning of the episode, Artie says that he felt like a man for the first time when he lost his virginity to Brittany; later on, he says he felt like a man for the first time when he directed West Side Story. At least have the decency to pretend you’re not drunk when you write these scripts.
3. A couple seasons ago, Quinn gave it up to Puck for an even stupider reason than peer pressure from Artie (“you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day”). Back in the present, Quinn is currently winning the annual Glee crazy-off by trying to frame her baby’s adoptive mother as a child sacrificer (really) so that she can get the kid back. I dunno, I think Quinn’s contributions to the show tend to be at least a little interesting. You writers gave her one line in response to Rachel’s to-bone-or-not-to-bone dilemma: “I’m not just talking about getting pregnant. I’m talking about losing something you can never get back. It changes you. It makes everything more complicated.” Debbie Downer! Oh, we’re moving on to Tina? I guess Quinn’s hymen is old news.
4. Definitely keep the completely appropriate and realistic solutions coming. Not passionate enough play a sexual character? Make sure you deep-six that v-card by opening night! Maybe in another episode the New Directions can solve the conflicts in the Middle East by sending over some puppies and lollipops.
Oh, these artsy kids. Who knows what shenanigans they’ll get into next week?
1. Because the student director of the school musical says so (read: peer pressure).
2. Because you get one out of five yeas from the other girls (read: peer pressure, if you squint your eyes).
3. Because your boyfriend is sad that he’s not getting a football scholarship.
4. Because you feel the need to protect your relationship from the lecherous New Guy.
5. Because masturbating just doesn’t cut it anymore. Yeah, they went there.
—So in conclusion, mainly because peer pressure says your virginity is disgraceful contraband that has got to go.
Characteristics of that first time:
1. Nothing says foreplay like a promised Sara Lee poundcake. Thanks, Finn!
2. It’s smooth, never awkward.
3. Pain? What pain?
4. It’s totally personal and meaningful, in spite of your partner calling you the wrong name. Brittany was so lucky to share an experience with what’s-his-face.
5. It’s reflective of a relationship that will definitely last, even when your group of friends is more incestuous than the members of the Hapsburg dynasty.
Tips for the writers of Glee:
1. Do not make Artie, of all people, the authority on matters in the boudoir. Especially do not have him discuss such matters with school faculty members; it’s too disturbing. Maybe as the season goes on, you can pencil in some therapy sessions for Coach Bieste.
2. On a related note, try to have some consistency. At the beginning of the episode, Artie says that he felt like a man for the first time when he lost his virginity to Brittany; later on, he says he felt like a man for the first time when he directed West Side Story. At least have the decency to pretend you’re not drunk when you write these scripts.
3. A couple seasons ago, Quinn gave it up to Puck for an even stupider reason than peer pressure from Artie (“you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day”). Back in the present, Quinn is currently winning the annual Glee crazy-off by trying to frame her baby’s adoptive mother as a child sacrificer (really) so that she can get the kid back. I dunno, I think Quinn’s contributions to the show tend to be at least a little interesting. You writers gave her one line in response to Rachel’s to-bone-or-not-to-bone dilemma: “I’m not just talking about getting pregnant. I’m talking about losing something you can never get back. It changes you. It makes everything more complicated.” Debbie Downer! Oh, we’re moving on to Tina? I guess Quinn’s hymen is old news.
4. Definitely keep the completely appropriate and realistic solutions coming. Not passionate enough play a sexual character? Make sure you deep-six that v-card by opening night! Maybe in another episode the New Directions can solve the conflicts in the Middle East by sending over some puppies and lollipops.
Oh, these artsy kids. Who knows what shenanigans they’ll get into next week?
Monday, November 7, 2011
Death of Auto-Tune (If Only)
Recently I was listening to the song “American Pie,” which those of you who follow world events will recognize as Don McLean’s 1971 response to the 1959 deaths of Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly and "the Big Bopper." (How great would it be if someone used “the Big Bopper” as his stage name now? I’m thinking of William Hung.) These guys were among the first to bring rock ‘n roll into the public eye; they were a huge deal for American music. To that end, the best comparison we have is probably Michael Jackson. He died more than two years ago, embroiled in ignominious accusations of child molestation and unbridled crazy, and America is still actively mourning. On the other hand, unlike Jackson, the three men who died in 1959 had only been on the music scene for a few short years. So maybe a more apt example would be the deaths of Ronnie Van Zant and co. in 1977, when Skynyrd had only been big since 1973. In any case, there are two variables that made the Day the Music Died a thing in American culture: Buddy Holly et al. changed the rules in a big way in a short time, and they were beloved by the American public.
As I’ve suggested before, American music took enough hits to make a full recovery doubtful when Brad Delp died and when Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth in Van Halen, and it’s all been downhill from there. That being said, “American Pie” got me thinking. If a pop star kicked it today and spawned the kind of legacy these three men did, who would it be?
Let’s look at our terrible, horrible, no good, very bad options. (Adam Levine is not on this list for obvious reasons.) First, I’ll go ahead and cross off the possibilities I’m not brave enough to entertain, starting with Justin Bieber. Any 17-year-old whose next album could legitimately contain a cover of “Billie Jean” needs to go directly back to Canada. Don’t even get me started on his holiday album.
I realize that my hatred of Bruno Mars for being an overemotional sap is probably a bit unfair. It’s not his fault that my measure of masculinity is Charlton Heston in his chariot, masterfully bringing his horses around the Circus Maximus with unbridled strength and control. But my ridiculous standards don’t change the fact that if you listened to his lyrics without ever seeing him, you’d naturally assume that Mars was a little girl with pigtails riding a pink tricycle. In a war zone.
Britney Spears made pop music a safe and profitable place for people who can’t actually sing, but her numerous public breakdowns ensured that America views her more as a sad spectacle than a beloved public figure. She’s out.
Jay-Z does indeed refer to himself as “J-Hova,” or the god of rap, but he wouldn’t be as amused if he knew that the symbol he’s adopted for himself means “vagina” in sign language. Out.
As my friend Brad said, “According to Kanye West, the answer to this question is Kanye West.” No. Out.
I adore Beyoncé, she is one of America’s sweethearts, and she has given us some of the best damn breakup songs in the history of American music, but she hasn’t really created anything new. So unfortunately, she’s out. Similarly, Usher’s dulcet tones and rippling abdominals have kept him famous since his R&B days up to his current dance music, all of which, not gonna lie, I love. But has he done anything terribly original? Not really.
[Before we move on to the rest of the list, I have to confess something I didn’t want to face. Buddy Holly popularized the guitar, bringing a new instrument onto the popular music scene. What comparable innovation do we have now?
Auto-Tune (spoken in the same tone I would use for “the atomic bomb”). People who can’t carry a tune in a bucket sound great with Auto-Tune, because it corrects pitch. This software is the Photoshop of music. A tone-deaf person using it would be like me going to Paris and demanding a modeling career, even though I am 5’2 and shaped like a teacup. Though Auto-Tune is the biggest thing that’s happened in music recently, it’s not even comparable to the guitar, which has been instrumental (see what I did there?) in countless rich careers in nearly every genre, fingers bloodied by steel strings and unforgettable music. Contrast this to the vacuous artificiality Top 40 stations crank out every week, leaving their mouth-breathing fans with essentially empty hands. Not that I am biased.]
Enough of the soapbox. Let’s end this.
As Dan O’Brien so aptly points out, Lady Gaga’s career and stage persona are a combination of Madonna and Marilyn Manson. So although I think she’s quite talented, and she sure is doing something special with music videos and, um, clothing, her music isn’t earth-shattering. Similarly, Rihanna’s music has become much darker and progressively weirder, which has made her rather a polarizing figure. I love her, saw her in concert this past summer, and think she’s a beautiful and talented woman. But she’s neither universally beloved nor a musical innovator.
Let’s go slightly less mainstream. Josh Groban got his start singing opera on the Rosie O’Donnell show, and his records are a mix of amazing classical voice pieces and smarmy modern love songs that I usually skip. (Josh Groban, if you’re reading this, I never skip even your dumbest songs and would happily marry you tomorrow.) Two strikes bar him from winning the title “The Music”—one, his music doesn’t show up on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show, and two, if he writes one more STUPID song about dead historical figures falling in love, I will have to cut him.
Regina Spektor’s music is the weirdest on my list. She sings in Latin sometimes, she writes lyrics about literary and mythological figures, she purposely mispronounces words, etc. Now she could change the rules, if she were more popular with average kids. Sadly, beyond “Fidelity” and that time she sang during the credits of a Narnia movie, I’d say that most people have no idea who she is. (Everyone who watched that movie was still trying to figure out Caspian’s accent anyway.)
The conclusion: we don’t have a Buddy Holly right now, America. Music may be too diverse for the rules to change in such a big way ever again. I, for one, am relieved, and will get back to my Led Zeppelin and GNR albums, as God intended.
And anyone who tries to defend Bruno Mars is going down.
As I’ve suggested before, American music took enough hits to make a full recovery doubtful when Brad Delp died and when Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth in Van Halen, and it’s all been downhill from there. That being said, “American Pie” got me thinking. If a pop star kicked it today and spawned the kind of legacy these three men did, who would it be?
Let’s look at our terrible, horrible, no good, very bad options. (Adam Levine is not on this list for obvious reasons.) First, I’ll go ahead and cross off the possibilities I’m not brave enough to entertain, starting with Justin Bieber. Any 17-year-old whose next album could legitimately contain a cover of “Billie Jean” needs to go directly back to Canada. Don’t even get me started on his holiday album.
I realize that my hatred of Bruno Mars for being an overemotional sap is probably a bit unfair. It’s not his fault that my measure of masculinity is Charlton Heston in his chariot, masterfully bringing his horses around the Circus Maximus with unbridled strength and control. But my ridiculous standards don’t change the fact that if you listened to his lyrics without ever seeing him, you’d naturally assume that Mars was a little girl with pigtails riding a pink tricycle. In a war zone.
Britney Spears made pop music a safe and profitable place for people who can’t actually sing, but her numerous public breakdowns ensured that America views her more as a sad spectacle than a beloved public figure. She’s out.
Jay-Z does indeed refer to himself as “J-Hova,” or the god of rap, but he wouldn’t be as amused if he knew that the symbol he’s adopted for himself means “vagina” in sign language. Out.
As my friend Brad said, “According to Kanye West, the answer to this question is Kanye West.” No. Out.
I adore Beyoncé, she is one of America’s sweethearts, and she has given us some of the best damn breakup songs in the history of American music, but she hasn’t really created anything new. So unfortunately, she’s out. Similarly, Usher’s dulcet tones and rippling abdominals have kept him famous since his R&B days up to his current dance music, all of which, not gonna lie, I love. But has he done anything terribly original? Not really.
[Before we move on to the rest of the list, I have to confess something I didn’t want to face. Buddy Holly popularized the guitar, bringing a new instrument onto the popular music scene. What comparable innovation do we have now?
Auto-Tune (spoken in the same tone I would use for “the atomic bomb”). People who can’t carry a tune in a bucket sound great with Auto-Tune, because it corrects pitch. This software is the Photoshop of music. A tone-deaf person using it would be like me going to Paris and demanding a modeling career, even though I am 5’2 and shaped like a teacup. Though Auto-Tune is the biggest thing that’s happened in music recently, it’s not even comparable to the guitar, which has been instrumental (see what I did there?) in countless rich careers in nearly every genre, fingers bloodied by steel strings and unforgettable music. Contrast this to the vacuous artificiality Top 40 stations crank out every week, leaving their mouth-breathing fans with essentially empty hands. Not that I am biased.]
Enough of the soapbox. Let’s end this.
As Dan O’Brien so aptly points out, Lady Gaga’s career and stage persona are a combination of Madonna and Marilyn Manson. So although I think she’s quite talented, and she sure is doing something special with music videos and, um, clothing, her music isn’t earth-shattering. Similarly, Rihanna’s music has become much darker and progressively weirder, which has made her rather a polarizing figure. I love her, saw her in concert this past summer, and think she’s a beautiful and talented woman. But she’s neither universally beloved nor a musical innovator.
Let’s go slightly less mainstream. Josh Groban got his start singing opera on the Rosie O’Donnell show, and his records are a mix of amazing classical voice pieces and smarmy modern love songs that I usually skip. (Josh Groban, if you’re reading this, I never skip even your dumbest songs and would happily marry you tomorrow.) Two strikes bar him from winning the title “The Music”—one, his music doesn’t show up on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show, and two, if he writes one more STUPID song about dead historical figures falling in love, I will have to cut him.
Regina Spektor’s music is the weirdest on my list. She sings in Latin sometimes, she writes lyrics about literary and mythological figures, she purposely mispronounces words, etc. Now she could change the rules, if she were more popular with average kids. Sadly, beyond “Fidelity” and that time she sang during the credits of a Narnia movie, I’d say that most people have no idea who she is. (Everyone who watched that movie was still trying to figure out Caspian’s accent anyway.)
The conclusion: we don’t have a Buddy Holly right now, America. Music may be too diverse for the rules to change in such a big way ever again. I, for one, am relieved, and will get back to my Led Zeppelin and GNR albums, as God intended.
And anyone who tries to defend Bruno Mars is going down.
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