What I Learned from Watching Glee’s “The First Time”

Acceptable reasons for giving it up include:
1. Because the student director of the school musical says so (read: peer pressure).
2. Because you get one out of five yeas from the other girls (read: peer pressure, if you squint your eyes).
3. Because your boyfriend is sad that he’s not getting a football scholarship.
4. Because you feel the need to protect your relationship from the lecherous New Guy.
5. Because masturbating just doesn’t cut it anymore. Yeah, they went there.
—So in conclusion, mainly because peer pressure says your virginity is disgraceful contraband that has got to go.

Characteristics of that first time:
1. Nothing says foreplay like a promised Sara Lee poundcake. Thanks, Finn!
2. It’s smooth, never awkward.
3. Pain? What pain?
4. It’s totally personal and meaningful, in spite of your partner calling you the wrong name. Brittany was so lucky to share an experience with what’s-his-face.
5. It’s reflective of a relationship that will definitely last, even when your group of friends is more incestuous than the members of the Hapsburg dynasty.

Tips for the writers of Glee:
1. Do not make Artie, of all people, the authority on matters in the boudoir. Especially do not have him discuss such matters with school faculty members; it’s too disturbing. Maybe as the season goes on, you can pencil in some therapy sessions for Coach Bieste.

2. On a related note, try to have some consistency. At the beginning of the episode, Artie says that he felt like a man for the first time when he lost his virginity to Brittany; later on, he says he felt like a man for the first time when he directed West Side Story. At least have the decency to pretend you’re not drunk when you write these scripts.

3. A couple seasons ago, Quinn gave it up to Puck for an even stupider reason than peer pressure from Artie (“you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day”). Back in the present, Quinn is currently winning the annual Glee crazy-off by trying to frame her baby’s adoptive mother as a child sacrificer (really) so that she can get the kid back. I dunno, I think Quinn’s contributions to the show tend to be at least a little interesting. You writers gave her one line in response to Rachel’s to-bone-or-not-to-bone dilemma: “I’m not just talking about getting pregnant. I’m talking about losing something you can never get back. It changes you. It makes everything more complicated.” Debbie Downer! Oh, we’re moving on to Tina? I guess Quinn’s hymen is old news.

4. Definitely keep the completely appropriate and realistic solutions coming. Not passionate enough play a sexual character? Make sure you deep-six that v-card by opening night! Maybe in another episode the New Directions can solve the conflicts in the Middle East by sending over some puppies and lollipops.

Oh, these artsy kids. Who knows what shenanigans they’ll get into next week?