Recently I was listening to the song “American Pie,” which those of you who follow world events will recognize as Don McLean’s 1971 response to the 1959 deaths of Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly and "the Big Bopper." (How great would it be if someone used “the Big Bopper” as his stage name now? I’m thinking of William Hung.) These guys were among the first to bring rock ‘n roll into the public eye; they were a huge deal for American music. To that end, the best comparison we have is probably Michael Jackson. He died more than two years ago, embroiled in ignominious accusations of child molestation and unbridled crazy, and America is still actively mourning. On the other hand, unlike Jackson, the three men who died in 1959 had only been on the music scene for a few short years. So maybe a more apt example would be the deaths of Ronnie Van Zant and co. in 1977, when Skynyrd had only been big since 1973. In any case, there are two variables that made the Day the Music Died a thing in American culture: Buddy Holly et al. changed the rules in a big way in a short time, and they were beloved by the American public.
As I’ve suggested before, American music took enough hits to make a full recovery doubtful when Brad Delp died and when Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth in Van Halen, and it’s all been downhill from there. That being said, “American Pie” got me thinking. If a pop star kicked it today and spawned the kind of legacy these three men did, who would it be?
Let’s look at our terrible, horrible, no good, very bad options. (Adam Levine is not on this list for obvious reasons.) First, I’ll go ahead and cross off the possibilities I’m not brave enough to entertain, starting with Justin Bieber. Any 17-year-old whose next album could legitimately contain a cover of “Billie Jean” needs to go directly back to Canada. Don’t even get me started on his holiday album.
I realize that my hatred of Bruno Mars for being an overemotional sap is probably a bit unfair. It’s not his fault that my measure of masculinity is Charlton Heston in his chariot, masterfully bringing his horses around the Circus Maximus with unbridled strength and control. But my ridiculous standards don’t change the fact that if you listened to his lyrics without ever seeing him, you’d naturally assume that Mars was a little girl with pigtails riding a pink tricycle. In a war zone.
Britney Spears made pop music a safe and profitable place for people who can’t actually sing, but her numerous public breakdowns ensured that America views her more as a sad spectacle than a beloved public figure. She’s out.
Jay-Z does indeed refer to himself as “J-Hova,” or the god of rap, but he wouldn’t be as amused if he knew that the symbol he’s adopted for himself means “vagina” in sign language. Out.
As my friend Brad said, “According to Kanye West, the answer to this question is Kanye West.” No. Out.
I adore Beyoncé, she is one of America’s sweethearts, and she has given us some of the best damn breakup songs in the history of American music, but she hasn’t really created anything new. So unfortunately, she’s out. Similarly, Usher’s dulcet tones and rippling abdominals have kept him famous since his R&B days up to his current dance music, all of which, not gonna lie, I love. But has he done anything terribly original? Not really.
[Before we move on to the rest of the list, I have to confess something I didn’t want to face. Buddy Holly popularized the guitar, bringing a new instrument onto the popular music scene. What comparable innovation do we have now?
Auto-Tune (spoken in the same tone I would use for “the atomic bomb”). People who can’t carry a tune in a bucket sound great with Auto-Tune, because it corrects pitch. This software is the Photoshop of music. A tone-deaf person using it would be like me going to Paris and demanding a modeling career, even though I am 5’2 and shaped like a teacup. Though Auto-Tune is the biggest thing that’s happened in music recently, it’s not even comparable to the guitar, which has been instrumental (see what I did there?) in countless rich careers in nearly every genre, fingers bloodied by steel strings and unforgettable music. Contrast this to the vacuous artificiality Top 40 stations crank out every week, leaving their mouth-breathing fans with essentially empty hands. Not that I am biased.]
Enough of the soapbox. Let’s end this.
As Dan O’Brien so aptly points out, Lady Gaga’s career and stage persona are a combination of Madonna and Marilyn Manson. So although I think she’s quite talented, and she sure is doing something special with music videos and, um, clothing, her music isn’t earth-shattering. Similarly, Rihanna’s music has become much darker and progressively weirder, which has made her rather a polarizing figure. I love her, saw her in concert this past summer, and think she’s a beautiful and talented woman. But she’s neither universally beloved nor a musical innovator.
Let’s go slightly less mainstream. Josh Groban got his start singing opera on the Rosie O’Donnell show, and his records are a mix of amazing classical voice pieces and smarmy modern love songs that I usually skip. (Josh Groban, if you’re reading this, I never skip even your dumbest songs and would happily marry you tomorrow.) Two strikes bar him from winning the title “The Music”—one, his music doesn’t show up on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show, and two, if he writes one more STUPID song about dead historical figures falling in love, I will have to cut him.
Regina Spektor’s music is the weirdest on my list. She sings in Latin sometimes, she writes lyrics about literary and mythological figures, she purposely mispronounces words, etc. Now she could change the rules, if she were more popular with average kids. Sadly, beyond “Fidelity” and that time she sang during the credits of a Narnia movie, I’d say that most people have no idea who she is. (Everyone who watched that movie was still trying to figure out Caspian’s accent anyway.)
The conclusion: we don’t have a Buddy Holly right now, America. Music may be too diverse for the rules to change in such a big way ever again. I, for one, am relieved, and will get back to my Led Zeppelin and GNR albums, as God intended.
And anyone who tries to defend Bruno Mars is going down.
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