Dear Adam,
First off, however ashamed I am of this (frequent) lapse in judgment, I like your band’s music. I think it’s because I love classic rock so much; your prepubescent, glass-shattering voice fits perfectly with the musical stylings of Brad Delp and Steve Perry. It’s unfortunate that you were born in 1979, too late to shine there. In any case, Maroon 5 is my guilty-pleasure band. Even when your lyrics have the emotional depth of sawdust, the melodies themselves are just too catchy to ignore. And for a really good breakup song, one needs to look no further than your albums. Really, I wonder if you divide your time evenly between gratuitous amounts of boning, weeping over your lost loves and engaging in drunken recording sessions. (To be fair, you probably also pencil in some time at the tattoo parlor now and then.) I mean, from the sound of things, you could open a store with the negligees these women have abandoned in their haste to flee your cold, dead eyes and the consummate potency of your lovemaking (see what I did there?).
Enough about your personal life. Adam, you’re a decently attractive man, right? SIDEBAR: like I even have to ask what you think; the world sees you shirtless more often than not, as though your life is a never-ending calendar shoot. My favorite line in "Moves Like Jagger" is "I put on a show/ Now I'm naked," or as some people hear it, "Now I make it." My money's on the first version, because come on, we all constantly picture you as naked, Adam. (That came out wrong.) I mean, has anything more patently obvious appeared in a lyric? It's like saying Oprah is loud, or Brittany Spears is trashy. The sky is blue and Adam Levine is naked. No big deal.
Digression over. In any case, I feel obligated to ask you not to get carried away. Ever seen a photo of David Lee Roth, circa 1985? All the girly antics and assless chaps in the world could not dilute that man’s sex appeal. He belongs on the cover of one of those redemption-themed romance novels women love so much. You are not David Lee Roth, Adam. You are a pale, skinny white guy with enough tattoos for about seventeen convicted felons. Rippling abdominals aside, you’re not as hot as you think you are. And your head is way too small.
However, your bandmates look like the leftovers at an audition for either Led Zeppelin or the Beatles, depending on the album; whereas you look like James Dean, or perhaps a slightly less-fruity version of John Travolta in Grease. I guess this combination of styles is ok, seeing as how nobody watches Maroon 5 play to see the sexy bassist, or something. It’s all about you and your “little kicks.” As cracked.com has pointed out, you wisely surround yourself with these less-attractive men, and as a result, you look like hot stuff. Beauty is relative. Well played, Adam.
But let’s talk about this new song of yours. “Moves like Jagger”? What the hell is that about? I’m having flashbacks to the 2006 Superbowl where Mick Jagger’s leather-clad pelvis was moving in a lot of ways that arthritis should really prevent at this point, and short of electro-shock therapy, I will not be able to get those images out of my head. My childhood ended that day. (Note that I have the class not to mention Jagger and David Bowie's music video for "Dancing in the Streets.") Why would you compare yourself to that? Because moving like Robert Palmer, which has been your M. O. to date, was no longer cutting it? I watched your music video, Adam, with footage of Jagger as a young man. Guess what. He was an uggo, then as now. Let’s not even picture what present-day, 68-year-old Mick Jagger looks like. In person, Dave Barry says, Mick Jagger looks like Yoda wearing a Mick Jagger wig. In any case, you, Adam, are hotter than Mick Jagger. Don’t get too excited, because so is Al Gore, but really. The music video for “Makes Me Wonder” makes me chuckle, but the music video for “Moves Like Jagger” gives me nightmares.
Adam, I’m not writing you off as I did Bruno Mars (“MARS, YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”). The fact that I discovered “Stereo” is not, technically, a Maroon 5 song is what saved you. But you seriously need to check these lyrical and dancing shenanigans. When all you offer us are a bunch of crummy lyrics AND weird dancing, you’re on equal footing with that sticky, glittery Ke$ha. Don’t be that guy, Adam. Don’t be the male Ke$ha. Because I’m pretty sure Nick Carter has already called dibs.
Your favorite secret fan-
Carie Mac
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