The Church Search

Last night I went to a church that has a specific ministry for young single adults. It turns out that they were planning on a brief prayer walk around the church wherein we would each write down some concerns and swap papers and pray for each other. Harmless, right? My group consisted of two guys, one who obviously loved to hear himself talk, and another who had no idea what we were in for. These gentlemen are herein referred to as Dr. Phil and the Hapless Victim.
The Hapless Victim and I both shared our names and how long we’d been going to this church. Dr. Phil felt that the situation warranted more self-disclosure, and told us his name, occupation, how long he's been at this church, how he got connected, his hometown, his hobbies, what he did the past few weekends, his dietary needs, his social security number, etc. I'm thinking, Does anyone else remember asking for this guy's life story?

I got Dr. Phil's card of prayer requests (lucky, right?). He had the Hapless Victim’s card, and I kid you not, went over everything his Victim had written with a fine-toothed comb.

Dr. Phil: "So, I see here that you're thankful for your mother."
Hapless Victim: "Ah, yep."
Dr. Phil: "I assume you have a good relationship with her."
[Already at this point I'm turning away to smile because this can only get better.]
Hapless Victim: "Yeah, I do."
Dr. Phil: "Well, you know, my mother passed away eight years ago, and..."
[Or not.]
Dr. Phil: "... so I understand the bonds of that relationship, etc., etc."
Hapless Victim: "I just can't imagine losing my mom; I have so much respect for people who experience a loss like that and keep going."
Dr. Phil [displaying no emotion whatsoever]: "Well, my mother raised my sister and me to be independent. By the ago of sixteen or so, I had already moved to another city to start working..."

And so on. To my misfortune, the Hapless Victim had written on his card that he was looking to meet someone. Dr. Phil was all OVER that. " Hapless Victim, can I just say... that the search for a mate is one of the most demanding aspects in a man's life."

Ohhhkay. First thought: "mate"? Are you a biologist now? Try not to sound so creepy. Second thought: Dr. Phil has effectively cut me out of this conversation. It's a boys' club now. Apparently the "search for a mate" is just a cakewalk for women, and we couldn't possibly understand what men go through.

But Dr. Phil is in no way finished.

Hapless Victim: "How do you mean?"
Dr. Phil: "It's a search that necessitates so many of his rezzources." [NB: Yes, he did just pronounce "RE-sour-ces" as "re-ZOUR-ces."]
Hapless Victim: "...his resources?"
Dr. Phil: "Yes, emotional, financial, mental... It's quite exhausting. I myself have been engaged twice, but am now in a positive long-term relationship..."

We'll skip ahead to the coup de grace. Poor, poor Victim, whose only crime was following directions. He'd written that he needed prayer for his brother, who was going through a divorce. Dr. Phil proceeded to ask district-attorney-style questions about the situation. Basically it sounded to me like the Victim's brother and sister-in-law had met at their workplace, and now that the husband has been fired, he and his wife have lost the main thing they had in common and the relationship is deteriorating from there. Dr. Phil had a slightly different take on it:

Dr. Phil: "Well Victim, that's just how women are. If a wife loses her job, her husband hastens to take on extra hours and support her. If the husband loses his job, though, she immediately thinks, 'I don't want to spend my time supporting this man. I'm going to go out and find another man to support me.' It's a bit of a double standard."

Well, at least now we know why he can't manage to hold down an engagement. My new question is, who would think for a second of marrying this guy? Just as I've decided to write Dr. Phil off, he turns to me and says brightly, "So, do you have my card?" I mumble something in the affirmative and glance at the card, noticing that he's asked for prayer for someone named, let’s say Katie, who’s starting her own business.

Me: "Is Katie one of your friends?"
Dr. Phil: "My girlfriend, actually."
Me: "…What kind of business is she starting?"
Dr. Phil: "A dog-sitting business."
Me: "Will it be full-time?"
Dr. Phil: "Oh no, she's in school."
Me: "What degree is she getting?" [See, I was trying to be nice.]
Dr. Phil: "Mumble mumble bachelor of arts mumble."

Ohhhh. That's how he got a girlfriend. Creeper.

I feel like I need to say that this church was very lovely and Dr. Phil was the only person I met who I didn't like. But wow.