“O hymen! O hymenee! why do you tantalize me thus?
O why sting me for a swift moment only?
Why can you not continue? O why do you now cease?
Is it because if you continued beyond the swift moment you would soon certainly kill me?”
Partly because I am suffering English major withdrawal and partly because it fits really well, I have chosen this poem from Walt Whitman as an epigraph to introduce today’s topic, which is why it’s awesome to be single. Obviously there are pros to dating, but those are covered at length, umm, everywhere else, ever. So Schell and I decided to make a list of the positives to being single. It’s not the end of the world, people. For example--
1. There’s less drama. You’re not constantly balancing friends and significant other and worrying about upsetting someone, which you inevitably will when you’re in a relationship.
2. Being single also means you don’t run any risk of alienating your friends with your disgusting obsession with what’s-his-name, which kind of makes people hate you.
3. On the flip side, when you’re single, you can judge other people who are in relationships. There’s little more fun than that.
4. Your chances of getting into a big fight with someone decrease exponentially when you’re single. (Of course, they go right back up when you join a sorority.) I’m not gonna lie; I don’t mind third-wheeling. I choose to focus on what I’m happy to be missing rather than what makes me jealous. I’m envious because they’re going home to a marathon macking session, whereas I am not. (Well, maybe. See #13.) However, after said macking session, they’re going to get into a fight about what his mom said to her last month when she was wearing those high heels and blah blah blah on into relationship eternity. Whereas I am whiling away the happy hours, angry at no one and content with the world.
5. Do you know how stressful it can be to plan Valentine’s Day festivities? Pass.
6. Being single equals more time with God. Paul stayed single his whole life because he could dedicate his everything to the Lord that way. Obviously, you don’t have to do that, but you can enjoy it and value it while it’s happening. If you’re not a person of faith, you can still devote your time to something that’s important to you, whether it’s learning, social activism, or writing the great American novel. You can use your time as you see fit.
7. You also get more time on your own. You don’t have to worry about looking cute at the end of a long day; you can walk into your room, take your pants off (yes, girls do that too) and watch whatever you want. Perhaps you would enjoy an SVU marathon spent ogling Detective Stabler. Or perhaps you would like to watch the Madonna episode of Glee for the 47th time. I don’t think I hear any objections! And best of all, I don’t hear anyone judging you.
8. You get to look forward to the excitement of meeting that special someone. Beginnings are always the best parts, before the relationship becomes a lot of work. Other people won’t have that and you still get to!
9. Being single means not giving someone the opportunity to lacerate your heart and pour lemon juice on it, and then piss all over your self-worth. Seriously, it saves a lot of time.
10. You can use this opportunity to learn new skills. Sure, you can get your girlfriend to cook for you or your boyfriend to change your oil. Or you could learn to do these things on your own and learn how to be a functioning adult.
11. This one is important. You get to be independent. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you have to (if you’re a somewhat decent person) think about the other person’s feelings and wants, unless you’re either a. looking for a reason to break up with him or b. do not want to spend your future with him. In both cases, why the hell are you still in the relationship? (Wait, I know this one. Insecurity). Want to go out with your friends tonight? Go for it. You don’t have to check with anyone first. Want to apply to grad school in Russia? What’s stopping you? Well, probably money (and the fact that it’s Russia), but at least you don’t have to worry about supporting yourself AND someone else, or about asking him to uproot his life. Even if you’re dating someone who loves you so much that he will follow you to the ends of the Earth and doesn’t care at all what you do, you will (again, if you have any decency) think about how your decisions affect him. And that’s a lot to have on your mind.
12. Ladies, we want to be really clear with this one. You can skip shaving your legs and no one has to know. And guys can observe Octobeard all year ‘round: you’ll look like a hobo but it’s ok!
13. You can flirt with impunity. And/or GYS.
14. When you’re single, you have much clearer, more objective vision than someone in a relationship who just knows homeboy is the one, even though he flunked out of college three times and dresses like a 12-year-old skater punk from the mid-’90s. Science shows that people who are in love are hooked on their own brain chemistry, the way some people are addicted to drugs. Seriously, look it up. Now, I’m not trying to denigrate love. I think love is wonderful and precious. Nor am I suggesting that single people don’t do stupid things. I’m just saying that people whose brains are marinating in crazy act like they have carte blanche to do infinitely more dumb things.
15. Finally, let’s think about what kind of person you are when you’re obsessed with getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. You’re lonely, you’re desperate, your self-esteem is in the toilet, and people can see that. Everyone except idealistic girls who believe in “fixing” others know damn well to avoid you like the plague. You’re in a self-defeating cycle: you can’t attract someone decent with the vibe you have going on, and being alone feeds your crappy self-image. Get out of your own way, and use being single as a chance to celebrate how great you are. Seriously, the worst thing two people can do is search for their worth and fulfillment in each other. You have to find contentment in your own identity first, or your relationship is dead in the water. So get on it.
On a somewhat unrelated note, now I’m contemplating the implications of Walt Whitman’s openness about his sexual preferences ("yes" and "everyone") and his self-proclaimed role as the Voice of America. He’s basically what would happen if David Bowie and Maya Angelou had a baby. Discuss.
If you have any questions, I’ll be in my room, taking up the whole bed, pantsless, watching Glee and thinking about how awesome I am.
UPDATE: Anne Marie points out that when you're single, there's no need to worry about where you bought your unmentionables, let alone whether they match. Make that sixteen reasons.
No comments:
Post a Comment