Farmer Hoggett Takes the Stage!

About a year ago at new student orientation, I was looking at the conversation cards on the table in front of me and debating whether I was really socially inept enough to use one of the topics with the person sitting next to me. Surprise! I decided that I was. The card in question read, “If you could go back to any event in history, what would you witness?”

The woman next to me said, “I would go back to 1963 and hear Dr. King give his ‘I Have a Dream Speech.’ Wouldn’t that be amazing?”

“Yes, it absolutely would,” I responded enthusiastically, realizing that I was about to drop very quickly in her estimation. “That would be so wonderful. Honestly though, I would probably choose to go back to the late ‘70s and see Boston play when Brad Delp was still alive.”

Crickets.

No, actually, she was very nice about it. And sadly no one has invented a time machine to fulfill my musical wishes, so Brad Delp will never be more than a dream. But I did get to see Van Halen perform this past April. My friend Emily came along to help me decide whether David Lee Roth has still got it.

The short answer to that question is: it depends on how nostalgic you are. (David Lee Roth himself certainly thinks he’s still got it.)

Allow me to express to you how excited I was for this concert. Before the show, a group of us went to my favorite restaurant in Greensboro. In addition to making excellent food, this fine establishment always plays classic rock, carries Thomas Creek beer, and employs a cook I have nicknamed “ZZ Top” for obvious beard reasons. (This man also told boyfriend that he once had sex on the 16^th green and did not get caught. Don’t ask me how they got on that topic; what’s important is that this guy contributes to the greatness of the restaurant.) Anyway, the five of us were ordering at the bar when we saw a take-out order taped above the grill. It was folded in half, and the outside read simply, “Van Halen. 9:30 pm.”

I nearly wet myself. “Guysguysguys VAN HALEN is eating this food tonight! We’re basically DINING WITH VAN HALEN!” I had to sit down for a moment.

Fast-forward to the actual concert. David Lee Roth wore sparkly black pants and danced enthusiastically, twirling and jumping, somehow managing to be both less coordinated and more endearing than Axl Rose in the “Sweet Child O’ Mine” video. Also, at one point, he commented philosophically on the NC weather: “Humidity is invisible… unlike lust. That sh*t is VERY visible.” I have no idea where he was going with that, but it didn’t seem to matter. Roth was just being the entertainer; and between him and Eddie Van Halen playing as well as ever, I could have easily pretended it really was the early ‘80s if not for one thing.

The concert was almost over. All I wanted to do was hear was “Panama” and then go home, but David Lee Roth actually put up a video of himself playing with his sheepdogs and talked about it for ten minutes. Did you know that he owns sheepdogs? Better question: can you bring yourself to care? I couldn’t believe it. Before my eyes, David Lee Roth had become Farmer Hoggett.

But you know what? He still thought he was cool. The man is 57, which is roughly 40 years older than I was when I stopped trying to be cool, and he’s still doing his thing. Yes, it is pathetic at times. But I respect him for it.

At one point, Roth attempted a very ambitious dance move and didn’t quite make it. Emily shook her head sadly and said, “He would’ve been able to pull off the split if he’d worn the leopard-print leotard.”

And knowing David Lee Roth, I imagine he at least considered it.