On Exercise

Lately it seems like everyone I know has taken up running. I have never liked to run. I enjoy long walks and driving around on golf courses. And not to toot my own horn, but I can lift a ten-pound free weight in each hand several times in a row. But every time I turn around, someone else has posted pictures on Facebook of themselves in clothing so tight the Kardashians wouldn't wear it, looking happy enough to die.

I am skeptical.

I grew up with a dad and a brother who need to run or otherwise exercise in order to function. I feel better when I work out too, but I don't love it. There have been too many times that I've walked into the house after an hour's power walk, feeling pretty good about myself, only to see Scott finishing a 14-mile run, with energy to spare. Defeated, I find myself on the couch with my other brother, Nathan, who woke up at 2 pm and has spent the past hour consuming enough chicken bites and Ranch dressing to feed a small village. We like to watch "My Strange Addiction," because there's nothing better than watching a stranger chow down on glass and bullets so you can feel better about your own eating habits.

But back to my friends who seem to be running nonstop. Some of them are people who have always gone to bed at 9 pm so they can wake up at 5 and hit the gym. I know this about them, and I love them anyway. But I'm used to other friends having a snack with me and joking about how sports bras are the worst. And then I find out that they secretly like to run.  Frankly, I feel betrayed.

Perhaps I would like to be invited to participate in a 5K sometime. I would have a few questions, such as, "Am I permitted to walk exclusively?," "Do I have to wear a sports bra?" and "Will there be beer?" I base this final question on the existence of several runs in Greensboro alone that involve "beer-chugging stations" and the sponsorship of various local bars. They lead me to ask the most crucial question of all: "Why didn't I think of that?"

So, running friends, if you ever want to invite me along to an event, I guarantee you that my presence will make you feel like an absolute champion in comparison, mostly because my presence will be concentrated at the beer station. Nathan will be providing the snacks.