“No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.”
-Dave Barry
One thing that defines the Wake Forest student population is that these kids very often have their panties in a wad over something. Or to put it more diplomatically, Wake students take life pretty seriously. They tend not to half-ass anything; if they’re going to spend time on something, they take the time to do their very best. This is both a virtue and a flaw. The virtue is obvious; the flaw takes shape when the drive to do our best overshadows our better judgment and skews our ability to keep things in perspective. One casualty on the field of these overly-pensive undergrads armed with Thinkpads is their relationships.
When our parents and grandparents were in school, it was perfectly acceptable for them to go out with multiple dating partners. Sure, if they were “going steady” with one particular person, then it wasn’t kosher to keep playing the field. But otherwise, all bets were off. More importantly, the pressure to decide whether this was “the one” was off.
Things are different now. As far as dating goes, Wake students fall into one of three categories: those who never do anything with anyone ever, those who hook up but don’t really date, and those who have serious relationships that are at least potentially headed toward marriage. Each of these groups takes an extreme position; and I’m not sure I know anyone who just goes out on dates to have fun and enjoy himself with someone he likes. Instead, I know a lot of people who jump right into serious relationships, signing on for unnecessary drama and responsibilities. (I get tired just thinking about it. Relationships are an inordinate amount of labor and time, people. Why rush into one before the time is right?)
The point is that because Wake kids regrettably race toward relationships, the act of asking someone out becomes a huge deal. Our generation has managed to successfully elide asking someone out for a date with Defining the Relationship, and this DTR has taken on so much weighty importance that it’s basically on level with the last copter out of Saigon.
This is what should generally go through a girl’s head when she contemplates a guy asking her out: “Why the hell not?” Sure, if the guy who asks her out on a date is a pathological liar, or is addicted to eating glass, or thinks Sarah Palin would make a good leader of the free world, or something equally problematic, she may want to weigh these facts before she answers. That is, she needs to be a little discriminating. If her religious faith or political views or career aspirations are incredibly important to her, and the guy doesn’t share or even care about them, then she probably shouldn’t date that guy, because there are pretty big differences from the start. And leading that guy on, when she knows they won’t work out, is a serious party foul. But what about the vast majority of the world? The guys she foresees no serious problems with? Why not give it a shot?
But what actually goes through the girl’s (or guy’s, as the case may be) head in this situation is often shot through with raw panic, because she knows that “Do you want to go on a date with me?” could actually mean, “Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with me?” This is the phenomenon responsible for the pervasive solemnity that defines a lot of relationships from the start; it’s the reason several of my girl friends responded to their boyfriends’ first “I love you” with nervous and counterfeit acquiescence, abject fear, and a whole bottle of André. They belatedly realized they were in over their heads.
[Irrelevant sidebar: May I just say that even for those of us ill-starred enough to be single, our friends’ dalliances get on our nerves? Because dating is such an earnest, sweaty-palmed affair, people think too hard about whether to accept someone’s invitation out to dinner, and all this dithering often ends nowhere exciting. For someone like me who likes to know what’s going on with everyone else, all the time (in the words of Florence King, “What could be more interesting that other people’s business?”), this cautious culture is incredibly obnoxious. Every time something might get started between two people, one of them invariably pours toxic discretion all over it. Will they? Won’t they? It looks like they’re going to, but something fell apart; the last second’s always a nail-biter!... Come on. This gets very boring.
However, there is a silver lining: playing poke-the-bear with someone in such a somber, future-oriented relationship offers no end of amusement. “How much school do you have left? So, how long an engagement would y’all need?” The trick is to move from the potential subjunctive to the future indicative. “How soon will you be proposing, then? Have you gotten her ring size yet?” And soon he’s the one with the bottle of André.]
Listen very carefully, Wake Forest. Put your ear right up to the computer screen.
Taking one date so seriously puts tremendous pressure on both people to a. not screw it up and b. decide quickly whether this is something they want to pursue. I’d love it if people could just date casually, and I don’t understand why we’ve moved away from that. Dial it down, Wake Forest. Where’s the fire? Where is this pressure to get serious coming from?
I just hope the “real world” has retained the possibility of dating someone who I don’t want to pick out curtains with just yet.
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