Should I ever write my memoirs, I'm going to title them "The World's Most-Anal Retentive Family Goes On Vacation." I chose “anal-retentive” because it's more specific than just calling my family weird; and besides, let's face it, no one in my family would consider giving even an inch when we're up against a different way of doing things. The dictionary definition of "anal-retentive" starts with “characterized by personality traits (as parsimony, meticulousness, and ill humor)…” I prefer to think of us as methodical at best and tyrannical at worst, but always in a funny way. Put it this way, we do things however we damn well please. Chapters of my runaway best-seller will include:
"I've Been Abroad for Five Months, But Now I'm Back and Ready to Detail Everything I Ate"
"In Order to Learn How Many Seats We Should Save in This Unfamiliar Church, Let's Measure Across the Pew With Our Butts"
"It's Labor Day Already! Do You Know What I Should Bring To the Christmas Potluck Yet?"
“Calm Down, I’ve Only Been in the Bathroom Three Hours”
“I Told You People, When You’re Setting the Table, I Only Like Small Spoons!”
“If You Misuse the Word ‘Literally’ One More Time, I Will Literally Shove It Up Yours”
Or this actual unretouched quote from my grandmother: "At My Wedding I Promised To 'Love, Honor, and Be Subject To,' But I Didn't Mean It."
I'm also casting about for a pithy way to describe a particular habit of my grandfather. Whilst riding as passenger in someone else's car, he has been known to ask drowsily, eyes closed, what speed they're going. The driver responds, "55. That's the speed limit," to which the half-asleep patriarch responds in a non-accusatory way and without a trace of irony, "Feels like 57." He also inadvertently steals other people's napkins at dinner. All the time. The Chief speaks like the first edition of the Oxford English Grammar, which I actually love about him. Sample sentence: "To what restaurant would you like to proceed tonight? Carol, I am famished!" It's a moot point anyway; they're going to the K&W. Obviously.
My mother will shine from the acknowledgements page only, because she's a McDaniel and was therefore raised to do nothing more interesting than sit quietly while "The Andy Griffith Show" was on during dinner. Her mother, on the other hand, will have her own chapter entitled simply "The Lips Face," or as my mom and aunt call it, the "suck-candy face." Grandma purses her lips and shakes her head, absolutely infuriated over something terribly, terribly wrong in the world. I have to confess that this phenomenon is so amusing that my brothers and I sometimes play poke-the-bear by saying things like, "Grandma! Yesterday I saw a girl in the grocery store wearing a bikini top instead of a shirt!" or "I heard that some Wake Forest fraternity brothers had a noisy party off-campus recently!" (neglecting to mention that I was there). Or simply, "Barack Obama is on the front page today, Grandma!" Then we just sit back and watch the fireworks begin, throwing in the occasional hearty "Mm-hmmm!"
As I'm composing my magnum opus, feel free to send suggestions and/or donations my way. Also some extra napkins.
No comments:
Post a Comment