Imagine getting all your knowledge about love and relationships exclusively from Bruno Mars songs. It would be like basing your understanding of the state education budget on lottery tickets from the Circle K, or getting turned loose in an actual vampire war with Twilight as your only guide. (I’d be extra screwed since I’ve never even read those books.) Anyway, with Bruno’s every gem saturating the airwaves for at least 27 hours a day, I’ve had some time to muse about his lyrics. Most of his songs present a woefully inaccurate picture of love, but in an endearing-enough way that people take him seriously, somehow. My 3 favorites (har!) are “Grenade,” “Marry You,” and “Just the Way You Are.”
There are so many things wrong with “Grenade,” so I’ll start there. Most valid objections to this song can be found in Glozell’s analysis on Youtube or in the annals of dearblank. Criticism that earned gold stars from me includes “Honey, why are you in love in a war zone??” and “Someone’s throwing grenades at her? This girl is clearly part of some illicit activities! RUN AWAY FROM HER,” etc. Seriously, where are these two lovebirds? I’d guess John Brown’s raid on Harpers Ferry, since the air is thick with bullets and blades and grenades and the occasional runaway train. How can he breathe with no air, speaking of terrible songs?
Let me glance upwards here to see what my original topic was. Ok. So maybe Bruno is indulging in some hyperbole, because aside from all this airborne weaponry, the song’s main problem is that Bruno and his lady are looking for different levels of commitment in the relationship. He’s ready to die for her, and she’s got her eyes open, looking for the next rich pop star she can snag. Y’all have seen this before. Bruno is that needy guy who wants his girlfriend to call him whenever she gets home, whenever she goes to sleep at night, whenever she takes a study break to down a Jägermeister or three, etc. She, meanwhile, is hoping that he’ll make some friends of his own maturity level (approximately age four).
Speaking of immaturity, “Marry You” ticks me off because it treats marriage as some kind of harmless pastime for bored people. “It’s a beautiful night; we’re looking for something dumb to do/ Hey baby, I think I want to marry you.” It goes without saying that (though Bruno Mars says it anyway) the mature and responsible adults in question are wasted as all hell. And later-- “If we wake up and you wanna break up, that’s cool/ No, I won’t blame you; it was fun, girl.” I really can’t dissect this song without getting all preachy, so I’ll just say that getting married is supposed to be kind of a big deal, the prospect of which scares the crap out of any thinking person. What sucks is that the song is so daggone catchy that it’s all I can do not to enjoy it, in spite of the fact that it endorses the dumbest sentiment since Paris Hilton decided she was ready to have kids.
Although the first two songs present different extremely screwed-up versions of love, “Just the Way You Are” actually gets it right, as far as the initial infatuation goes. Bruno Mars is so crazy about this chick that he’s completely idealized everything about her. And aren’t rose-colored glasses necessary to start a relationship? If those crazy attraction hormones weren’t gilding our vision, we’d be thinking it’s kind of pathetic that he’s 22 and can’t grow a beard, or that his head is shaped like a dinosaur (I’m looking at you, Usher), or that he’s utterly obsessed with his fantasy football league. (NB: Being obsessed with a real football league, especially the ACC, is totally acceptable.) But you know when you’re looking at that guy you like, all you’re thinking about is his adorable smile, or whatever it is that floats your boat. Even when he has spinach stuck between his teeth. (“Hey look! He has healthy eating habits!”) The only thing that worries me is, what if Bruno Mars hangs on this idealized image of his girl too long? At a certain point, he needs to see her for who she is and love her in spite of her flaws. As things stand, he’s got two possibilities: she inevitably lets him down, he reacts like a petulant child and goes home to mother’s; or he turns into the emasculated and probably cuckolded hero of “Grenade.” Y’all see the connection?
In conclusion, I have a message for you, Bruno. Stop begging this woman to do her dorky laugh before she lets you catch a grenade for her, in the space where your brain should be. (Note that I have the class not to mention anything resembling stones, not that he would know what I was talking about anyway.)
Oh, hell. Maybe I should give Twilight a try. See what I’m missing.
No comments:
Post a Comment