"What the People Need is a Way to Make 'Em Smile"

If the line “It ain’t so hard to do if you know how” sprang immediately to mind upon reading the title, you’re going to enjoy this post. (If it didn’t, you probably also don’t know why it’s funny in a juvenile way to name your band “The Doobie Brothers.”) Unless you’re just dumber than a bag of hammers, you have to admit that though the content hasn’t changed much, popular music has taken somewhat of a hit in quality over the past generation. Turning on the radio in 1976 was likely to yield “Carry On Wayward Son” five times an hour, whereas now you find yourself with Ke$ha drunkenly intoning “We R Who We R” into Auto-Tune (damn you, Andy Hildebrand). In fact, I have it on good authority that Dire Straits penned “Money for Nothing” (1985) as a prophecy about Ke$ha’s ability to turn raw suckage into incredible amounts of cash. Anyway, though popular music has some similar themes, then as now, the songs themselves have gone from the type of stuff I’d have played at my funeral if I were President of the World (“We Are the Champions,” maybe) to the crap I’d play via loudspeaker in the seventh circle of Hell to torment Carrot Top if I were Dante. Once again looking for new ways to amuse ourselves at work, Schell and I decided to make a list comparing different songs on the same subject to see which one comes out on top. We’re stretching this definition of classic rock to include the ‘80s as well, mainly so we can use Van Halen songs. So without further ado,

10 Reasons We’d Rather Listen to Elevator Music Than Contemporary Pop

10. Heart’s “Crazy on You” (1976) + John Cougar Mellencamp’s “Hurt So Good” (1982) + a little insanity and some questionable weaponry = Rihanna’s “S & M” (2010).

Heart’s classic offers metaphors comparing love and nature, which is just the kind of hippie-dippie stuff we’d expect from a band who still performs at Lilith Fair. But the cries of “Let me go CRAAAAZY on you! CRAAAAZY on you!” are just a little alarming, in no small part because we have no idea what that means, at all, not even a little. John Cougar Mellencamp is only slightly more specific in “Hurt So Good.” He asks his young but experienced lady friend to “sink your teeth right through my bones,” and later says “I ain’t talking no high heels.” That clears my question up, I guess, because I tend to picture John Mellencamp spending his private time in stilettos. Of course Rihanna takes all this to a whole new level with “S & M”: “Sticks and stones may break my bones/ but chains and whips excite me.” In addition to confusing the hell out of Chris Brown, Rihanna is dispensing information about her sexual proclivities that no one needs to know. At the same time, it makes you wonder what the Wilson sisters really meant by “crazy on you.”

9. “Come Sail Away” (1977) by Styx and Katy Perry’s “E.T.” (2010).

The common denominator in these mega-hits is... aliens. I’m pretty sure we can chalk Dennis de Young’s brief “Oops, those aren’t angels, they’re aliens” moment to a mellow Saturday afternoon acid trip. However, I don’t know what Katy Perry was thinking. She’s clearly fascinated by the aliens, so I’m going to credit her lyrics to some kind of obsessive reverse xenophobia. But there’s no reason for Kanye to jump in and rap about “alien sex,” promising to “disrobe you” and “probe you.” “Probe” her? Are you taking Katy Perry to the doctor’s office? And why do you have to make space travel so dirty and explicit, Kanye? Why can’t you just casually mention starships headed for the sky? WHY??

8. Van Halen's “Everybody Wants Some!!” (1980) and a lot of sexually explicit rap songs whose titles we’re too modest to post. I mean things that would make Enimem blush.

Though Van Halen doesn’t get as disturbing as some of our finest working rap artists (Google “nastiest rap songs lyrics” if you don’t believe me; just keep a sharp stick handy for poking your eyes out), David Lee Roth does provide us with some specific images. He tries to get busy on the subway, in the conductor’s eyeline, no less; and then maybe on an airplane(?); and then he starts to narrate a sex scene, just like in “Panama,” but stops before things get too suggestive. So clearly David Lee Roth is at least somewhat classier than your modern rappers. Wait, he’s still talking... At the end he says, “Look, I’ll pay you for it.” OK, maybe this is a bad example.

7. Queen’s “Fat-Bottomed Girls” (1978) and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “I Like Big Butts” (1992).

Much like Freddie Mercury’s luxuriant mustache, this one speaks for itself.

6. Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” (1986) ‒ the raw masculine anger + a heavy dose of Foreigner’s Lou Gramm huddled in a corner crying about a girl who’s as “Cold As Ice” (1977) = Bruno Mars’ “Grenade” (2010).

All three songs are about a bad breakup caused by a man-eater with no morals, and we’ve arranged them in order of decreasing manliness. Here’s the girliest bit from the boys of Foreigner: “You’re digging for gold/ You’re throwing away/ A fortune in feelings/ And someday you’ll pay.” Clearly these guys need David Lee Roth and co. to smack some sense into them about how to interact with women. And I’ve already covered my disdain for “Grenade” at length in another post, so let’s just say that staying in a relationship where the girl is willing to watch with supreme disinterest as you get flattened like a baby ladybug under a runaway train is the epitome of wretchedness. Congratulations, Bruno Mars, everyone thinks you’re a pathetic tool.

5. John Mellencamp’s “I Need a Lover” (1979) and “Grow a Pear” [sic] (2011) by Ke$ha.

They both sing (ok, for Ke$ha, “sing” is generous) about wanting relationships that are only physical. People should keep their pesky emotions inside where they belong, is what these guys think. Sample lyric from “Grow a Pear”: “I only wanted one thing from you and you got confused.” And the whole point of Mellencamp’s song is that he wants “some girl who’ll thrill me/ And then go away,” and “who knows the meaning of a ‘Hey, hit the highway.’ “ I’m pretty sure if John Mellencamp were the type of pansy to watch chick flicks, he’d agree with what Harry says to Sally in their cinematic classic: “...You have sex and the minute you're finished you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home? Is thirty seconds enough?”

4. Journey’s “Faithfully” (1983) and “Here Without You” (2003) by Three Doors Down.

Both songs describe the difficulty of maintaining a marriage when one is off touring with the fellas, but whereas Steve Perry made an awesome anthem out of his pain, proudly reaffirming his commitment to his wife (you younger readers may remember this song from Glee’s first-season finale), Brad Arnold pens this whiny ditty about how he apparently sits around his trailer crying over his wife. Psst, Brad! If you have to take man-up lessons from Steve Perry, you might want to rethink your life. Or just quit the band and go back to your wife. That way everybody wins.

3. Van Halen’s “Panama” (1984) and “Shut Up and Drive” (2007) by Rihanna.

Singers have been comparing cars with women and sex since at least the Beach Boys, and both of these songs illustrate just how well that metaphor works. David Lee Roth combines both elements neatly by revealing, in another creepy voice-over, that he’s actually singing about car sex: “I reach down, between my legs... And ease the seat back.” (You thought he was going somewhere totally different with that first part, didn’t you?) And Rihanna’s songwriters probably get paid by the double entendre, if this song is any indication: “I’ll get you where you want to go if you know what I mean/ Got a ride that’s smoother than a limousine/ Can you handle the curves, can you run all the lights?/ If you can, baby boy, then we can go all night,” etc. Not really sure what she means by “run all the lights.” Break all the rules, maybe? Perhaps “Shut Up and Drive” is the precursor to “Rude Boy,” which eventually led America to contemplate, with horrified fascination, “S & M.” Or those lyrics just fit with the rhyme scheme, and the writers said, “Oh hell, everyone at a Rihanna concert is going to be too distracted by the grinding drag queens in the next row to listen to the words; let’s just call it good. Pass the cocaine.” (True story: that is what a Rihanna concert is like.) Or maybe the writers knew she had a pressing date with her whips and chains. In either case, the line doesn’t detract from the song, or from the hot, hot insanity we’ve all come to expect from RiRi.

2. “Hello, I Love You” (1968) by the Doors with “Give Me Everything” (2011) by Pitbull.

Here we have another example of pop music espousing this undoubtedly alcohol-induced view of “the club”-- I’m sorry, “The Club”-- as some kind of magical paradise wherein everyone finds true love, usually in the form of crotch-grinding a stranger in a place that smells like a cross between a frat party and a stadium rest room. That’ll be a cute story for your wedding toast. Pitbull is kind of undiscriminating as well as presumptuous and demanding: “Grab somebody sexy, tell ‘em ‘Hey/ Give me everything tonight.’ ” Of course the obligatory rap portion of this song is just as stellar as you’d expect, culminating in “I got ‘a locked up like Lindsay Lohan.” Nothing could go wrong there! Take this man home to meet your parents! At least the Doors could count on Van Halen to come up with “Jamie’s Cryin’ ” (1978) to illustrate the negative consequences of one-nighters, so there at least we have a balanced picture. Hell, all Pitbull’s got to back him up is Katy Perry singing “Teenage Dream” (2010): “Let’s go all the way tonight/ No regrets, just love.” Call me a wet blanket, but losing one’s virginity in a fort made of sheets in a motel room is a surefire way to pick up some regrets in the form of a venereal disease.

1. Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” (1972) and Beyoncé’s “Irreplaceable” (2006).

These are both serious BURN breakup songs. None of this pansy “just let me hold you one last time” crap we get from Paolo Nutini. No, these ladies are out for blood. Carly Simon takes the more subtle approach, creating an incredibly famous song that just might be about you, but every time the thought crosses your mind, you’re simultaneously insulted. Not to mention you’ve become the butt of one of the most famous jokes in American pop culture. Dick Ebersol, the president of NBC, paid $50,000 for the privilege of knowing the song’s subject. I hate to judge the way other people spend their money (haa, just kidding), but $50,000 so you can rest easy at night knowing you won that bet with yourself because it was Warren Beatty after all?! Or whoever. I’m not psychic. Anyway, Miss Knowles uses a more blatant tack and straight-up tells her ex, “I could have another you in a minute,” presumably after she drop-kicks his plasma screen TV down the stairs in the direction of his waiting cab, because she took the keys to his car away. To quote Scrubs, this is the type of woman who uses your dignity as a a dish towel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Kind of the way Dante immortalized his enemies by sticking them in lakes of poo in the Inferno, Carly Simon and Beyoncé make sure that the guys who hurt them are infamous for it, even if we don’t know their names.

In conclusion, musicians have been singing about the same damn things for years; for the most part, they were just better at it a long time ago. Of course, to be fair, “A Horse With No Name” (1972) indicates otherwise.