How a Vapid Pop Song Brought Me to an Existential Crisis

“You've probably used up more brainpower analyzing this song than it actually took to write it.”
-my friend Chuck

Perhaps some of you are familiar with a band called Hot Chelle Rae, which consists largely of some guys who are related to more famous people. They have a song that’s pretty popular right now called “Tonight, Tonight.” It’s the one whose opening chords fill me with dread and nausea, and I usually only stay on the radio station long enough to say something rude to frontman Ryan Follesé (“If you’re wondering why your girlfriend cheated on you, I’m starting to get a real clear picture over here!”), and then I immediately change the station to one playing a song with more depth and subtlety, such as “You Shook Me All Night Long.” It’s an annoying song -- not annoying a good way, like a Maroon 5 song, but annoying in a demoralizing way, like a Ke$ha song. But like the self-absorbed, err, introspective person that I am, I began to analyze why I hate this song so much.

It’s not just the la-la-la, la-la-la sequences and the completely predictable chord progressions; it’s also the lyrics. At first Follesé sings that his week has been “torture” and “bitter,” because, you know, getting cheated on is kind of upsetting. But the rest of the song is basically a more dramatic boy version of Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night,” about partying hard and blacking out and whatnot. He admits to “faking it,” which is of course a healthy and acceptable way to deal with our emotions. Sure sure. (Future counselors do not joke about coping mechanisms.) In summary, this song is an all-around waste of noise.

Now here comes the rub. My brother is 15, and he loves this song. Loves it. I’m only 7 years older than he is, and here I am thinking, “The music these darn kids listen to is terrible! Just terrible!” In my defense, I was never cool or fun or anything, so it’s not like hating pop music with an intensity that most people reserve for genocide is new for me. But the whole thing got me thinking: I know that since graduating college in May, I’ve begun my slow descent into cultural irrelevance and obscurity, and someday I will undoubtedly do a bang-up job of embarrassing my future children in the carpool line. But have I slid so far already?

Let’s check the scoreboard.

Old/responsible person things I’ve done this week:

1. Watched a gratuitous amount of Law and Order
2. Spent an evening cleaning my room and ironing my clothes, and actually enjoyed it
3. Sent out Christmas cards
4. Sang along with Frank Sinatra albums
5. Took a nap so that I could stay awake for a TV show coming on at 10 pm

Young person things I’ve done this week:
1. Stayed up with friends until 5:30 am, just because we could
2. Heartily enjoyed the music video for “Sexy and I Know It”
3. Caused some completely avoidable damage to my car

Yikes, this isn’t looking too good. Maybe this dumb song doesn’t represent my Rubicon after all, but it’s coming. C’est la vie.