The Raptor Kiss

Last week I watched an episode of the new TLC reality show The Virgin Diaries. Generally I have no shortage of opinions, and even fewer scruples about sharing them with the world. But after that show, I just… I had no reactions. I had no words.

Luckily I bounced back.

The premise of the show is that TLC interviews people who are virgins “later in life,” which you might think means at least middle age, but no. The youngest person on this episode was 29 or 30 (seven more years, and I’ll be eligible!) and the oldest was under 40. Most of the contributors had chosen to wait until marriage, but the one guy said he was “not a virgin entirely by choice.” So at least TLC is making the show diverse?...

Other participants included a couple (30 and 31) who had decided not to kiss until their wedding day. The man had, in fact, never kissed a woman on the lips. Homegirl had some experience, but to see their ravenous vampire-style kiss after the I-do’s, you wouldn’t think so. If your first kiss (hell, ANY kiss) is going to be on television, seriously, either keep it simple or go ahead and practice some. At least rent some Nicholas Sparks movies and research how it’s done. Not to be graphic, but “The Honey Badger” would be a great nickname for this woman.

There was also an apartment of three women around age 30, two of whom were bona fide virgins, while the third had had sex in the past, but had since decided to wait until marriage. Their segments were pretty boring. The only interesting part was when they were on dates and brought up their sexual statuses. On a first date! Why not mention your opinion on circumcising babies while you’re at it, since appropriateness is apparently off the table? Obviously the TLC execs couldn’t have them just talking about SportsCenter or something; they had to go right for the jugular. Needless to say, it was awkward. Miraculously, the three women ended up going on a big old group blind date with three guys who were ALSO virgins! So one presumes they’re making progress, or whatever.

And the dude who started out the episode as a virgin ended it as a virgin, despite a woman who threw herself into a virtual debauch with him in a bar, in which he was a half-hearted participant. They were sitting in this bar, with his friends around, and she licked his bald head. She LICKED his HEAD.

I like reality shows because they make me feel extremely normal.

Having had time to reflect, I’ve decided that there was really one aspect of the episode (aside from the disturbing PDA) that truly bothered me: it was the contrast between shows where people riff veritable catalogues of their sexual partners, and this show, with people who are (mostly) choosing not to have any sexual partners. The reason it bothers me that presumably the contributors on The Virgin Diaries are waiting because physical intimacy is something they consider so sacred and private that they want to share with one person only. So why are they talking about it on TV? The newly married couple reported on their wedding night! I bet their best friends would rather lick the shower drain than hear these details. (Also, the bride said it hurt a lot. ARE YOU LISTENING, RYAN MURPHY?)

I know I’m the one who watched the show for a full hour. But the bottom line is that I shouldn’t know how a stranger’s wedding night was. I shouldn’t know that the involuntary virgin masturbates a lot. I shouldn’t know how many partners the “reclaimed virgin” had before she decided to make this change. Sex is between the person, his partner and his beliefs. Call me quixotic, I don’t care. I still think some things should be kept between partners, and that is all. Thanks for doing your part to take the shine off the apple, TLC.