In addition to being the greatest American sport, football is also an extremely apt metaphor for dating, wherein the quarterback is the boyfriend, the ball is his game, the first downs are relationships milestones, and the touchdown is marriage. Each girl is a new drive toward a new end zone; the QB only gets to pursue that first down for so long.
THE TEAMS
The hero’s team: His wingmen. The specific lineup varies with the girl in question.
Linemen: Those who play defense against other guys.
Running backs: Those who do some of the legwork for the QB, Barney Stinson-style: “Haaaaaave you met Ted?”
Wide receivers and tight ends: Those who do everything else the QB needs.
The offending team: Obstacles, e.g., time, space, other guys, her friends who dislike the guy, etc.
SCORING
Special teams: Getting into position to play some offense.
Offense: Exactly what it sounds like, or in other words, GYS.
Defense: Protecting the girl from other guys.
Rushing: The slow and steady gain of positive yardage.
Passing: The more momentous gestures, the flowers, the jewelry, the dinners at Panera, the chick flicks, spending time with her family.
First downs: The important “firsts,” e.g., the first date, the first kiss, the first meeting with her parents, the first time farting around each other, etc.
Second and third downs: “We should talk” moments.
Fourth downs: “We NEED TO talk,” i.e., his turn is over unless he can work a miracle.
Punting: Making the best of his failure to gain positive yardage, so the kicker is also the QB. I never said the metaphor was perfect.
Field goal: The frustration of the ultimate aim of TD, but the field goal is still a three-point gain, such as becoming best friends or FWBs with the girl.
DOWNFALLS
Turnovers: Being dumb, e.g.
The interception: A mistake that allows another guy to start playing offense on our guy’s lady.
The fumble: Carelessness that allows someone else, usually one of the girl’s friends, to knock the guy out of the running and cause him to drop the metaphorical ball.
A safety: Extenuating circumstances such as, but not limited to, getting kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Out-of-bounds or incomplete: Events and obstacles that temporarily derail the guy, e.g., a bad date, an old boyfriend, jealousy, etc.
The kneel-down: Self-defense when the guy thinks the girl might hurt him.
Penalties: Cheating. The guy might get away with it, but he loses his integrity as a player. And if he gets caught, he catches some serious negative yardage, or even gets kicked off the field for awhile.
Offsides: being presumptuous, e.g., going in for the kiss on the first date. Wrong, wrong, wrong. In the words of Lindsay Miller, nothing is sexier than tension.
THE AFTERMATH
The end zone: The girl.
The uprights: The ceremony.
The baseball diamond: Resides in the end zone, if you catch my drift.
The extra point: Staying married past the eight-year mark.
FAQ’s
Q. What is the kickoff?
A. Puberty.
Q. Who are the referees?
A. The girl’s best friends(s).
Q. What are example of some plays the guy can run?
A. I’m glad you asked.
PLAYS
The conversation-joiner: The guy smoothly joining a conversation with one of his good friends and the girl.
The group date: A low-pressure social situation, similar in aim to the conversation-joiner.
The Hail Mary: A risky play, e.g.,
Being the life of the party. It can backfire, because while the girl might be intrigued by this guy’s popularity, she might also be turned off by his ego.
Special teams play: Introducing himself as “Brian’s friend.” This can succeed because it’s an easy in—everyone knows a Brian—but it can backfire, e.g., if she asks, “Brian who?”
Pacing one’s offense: Playing well but slowly, i.e., observing the three-days rule (http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x94ews_3-days-rule_fun).
Wingman play, or the end-around: Talking up a friend who likes the girl and then handing the ball off to him. Risk of negative yardage.
Running up the middle: The one play that almost always works, i.e., doing stuff she likes to do, like yoga. Sometimes unpleasant but generally effective.
Here at Wake Forest, we waste our time creatively.
No comments:
Post a Comment